I AM STRONG ENOUGH

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T CRY AT ALL

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Aku Pun Tak Menahu...

so much things happened lately and cause me some anxious feelings. tired! yes i am. bored? a bit. why all these things occurred at the time i feel like this world pointing up the hatred feelings at me? did i have let people down by my actions? i don't think so. everyone have their own way in managing themselves and they probably know what is the best for themselves. i am so tired of advising others as i need it the most for myself. this feels like longer period that we have parted. parted of what? the trust among us as friends, related and perhaps as lover. maybe.

yesterday i got a call from my best friend, a really close friend. he asked me, am i still in the same fettle? at first i answered him in a ruse way. i have to! no one could understands the feeling inside. but later he found that i am cheated over him and i became speechless for a moment. why should i pretending to myself like i am a guy who are free from any inner painful? if you were in my shoe, do you have to figure out everything just like you are attention seekers among others? do you have the answer? so do i? i don't know why it is hard for me to move on from that evil history of mine? why? why? and why?

hopeless heart. yes i am. keep waiting for uncertain things and nothing change at the end. i have prayed from day to day which i put so much hopes that God will assist me in seizing the day which i use to be happy. yes i know God is listening to me. i want back my self-confident so bad!
i am still finding the way on how i could be someone like years before, someone who are bold! motivated! and always inspires himself and people surrounding him! and i hope such of regret feeling do not keep haunting me till the end as i have neglected myself by loving incorrect people for incorrect way.

entahlah, kadang2 nak menangis pun macam tak ada gunanya. kalau nak dikirakan air mata yang gugur saban hari, dah berbaldi2 rasanya. tapi masih tiada apa2 yang merubah kehendak hati. kenapa lah hati berat sangat nak bergerak untuk sesuatu yang baru? tak cukup lagi ke apa yang ada selama ni? nak yang macam mana lagi? yang terlalu perfect? nak yang hebat belaka? cermin diri dulu boleh tak?

yang aku harapkan untuk tahun yang baru, aku mampu untuk bungkuskan segala kisah silam, segala yang berlaku 2010 samaada pahit atau manis, dan campakkan saja ke lombong. aku cuba berjanji dengan diri sendiri yang aku tak akan sesekali titiskan air mata pabila bermula tahun yang baru. aku harap dengan azam itu, aku menjadi semakin kuat. lepas ni kalau dok merindu ka, terkenang ka, buat2 tak tau je lah.

terlalu banyak yang berlaku dalam 2010, yes! so much ups and down. bagaikan sekelip mata semuanya berlaku. macam dalam mimpi! bila aku baca balik setiap entry dalam blog ni, banyaknya yang pahit dari yang manis. kenapa ya? kerana diri sendiri tak pandai nak menghargai setiap masa yang ada. mensia2kan masa menangisi setiap perbuatan yang sedikit kejam dari orang yang aku sayang. kalau dikira balik selama 22 tahun hidup dimuka bumi tuhan ni, aku cuma terkilan dengan apa yang telah berlaku pada tahun ini. cukup terkilan. sampaikan aku jatuh, jatuh dan terus jatuh sampaikan terpaksa meneruskan perjalanan dengan hanya terpkasa dipapah. dan aku bangun semula. perit. memang perit. dalam bercinta ni, orang yang ditinggalkan lebih perit berbeda dari yang meninggalkan. aku dah lalui semua tu. cuma masanya belum tiba untuk sembuh seperti sediakala. hati yang tercalar dan terguris ni masih merah menyala. hampir lapan bulan semuanya berlalu. aku masih begitu...

sampai ke hari ni, masih lagi terbawa2 sampai ke dalam mimpi dengan setiap apa yang berlaku. bila rasa rindu mula menjelma, yang aku lakukan hanyalah duduk diam bersahaja ataupun hanya dengan kurungkan diri dalam bilik supaya tak ada siapa yang tahu apa yang aku rasa. i feel like i am still in the same fashion, but i really hope one day i could find the new match and its brighten my day. i really hope it will happen very soon.

sepi, kosong. tu je la yang aku rasa selama ni, walaupun ramai yang cuba mendekati dan memberikan aku rasa seperti yang dulu. tapi seakan aku dah tak mampu untuk terima. yang aku harapkan hanyalah tuhan kembalikan semangat pada diri ini, yang dah semakin lemah dan tak berdaya untuk mempercayai sesiapa mahupun diri sendiri. saban hari, aku merasa semakin kuat sedikit demi sedikit, cuma bila terkenang buat aku menjadi sedikit lemah.

setapak demi setapak aku cuba mengorak langkah walaupun masih dalam keadaan yang tidak berdaya, namun aku gagahi juga. cuma aku harapkan angin itu kembali meniupkan semangat supaya aku tidak lagi gugur pabila hujan mula turun...

ku bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia...







second last day of 2010
4.42am
Yau

Monday, December 13, 2010

Life Is Just About Two Things. Either You Think Or Find It

I think,

Life is just a waste

Life is meaningless

Days are only count

Breath is only brief

Walk is only about steps

Eyes could only see and watch

History is only about memory

and love is just about heart


I found,


Life is just a waste for those who reluctant either to change or to move on

Life is meaningless for those who are lonely

Days are only count for those who never appreciate every single moments

Breath is only brief for those who are hopeless

Walk is only about steps for those who runs but never face

Eyes could only see and watch when you are in dark but with a shining hunch

History is only about memory and it just either tears or smile

and love is just about heart and to be hurt...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Mari Menjawab Soalan Cepuki!!


tak pernah pulak jawab soalan yang di tagged pada aku.
since dah takda idea nak post apa arini, aku jawab soalan yang Fendi tag kat blog dia
thanx fendi!!

1. Siapakah orang yang paling anda sayang ?

haish trauma la kalau bercakap soal "sayang ni. tapi takpa, aku cuba keluar dari kotak dan luaskan pemikiran. haa kalau nak bercakap orang yang aku sayang. panjang lebar la jawabnya. tapi tak mengapa, aku pendekkan.

yang pertamanya, sah2 keluarga. sapa tak sayang keluarga?kalau ada yang tak sayang keluarga sendiri, meh aku lempang laju2. tak pun ikat leher ko then tarik sepanjang lebuhraya utara selatan.

kedua, orang yang rapat dalam hidup aku, dah banyak kali dok cerita pasal dorang kat blog ni. apai si ayam katik dan daus aka muki si ammah india. korang terbaik la! 5 tahun dah kita kawan. dari soal family sampaila cerita dalam kain, sume kita kongsi. oh tak lupa jugak si ayam tua, mahadir aka Along. haha sayang korang!!

ketiga, 8 budak hitam! bukan sebab kulit mereka yang hitam, alkisahnya macam cerita 10 budak hitam, ala yang budak2 kecik selalu nyanyi masa zaman sekolah rendah dulu2..ko tak tau lagu tu? pegi masok tadika balik! aiman si kacak, syikin yg kuat makan, tini bersuara emas, ika si kaki novel, cikrose yang kuat berangan, wani yang ala2 lady gaga tak jadi, bella si rambut palsu....sayang korang! nanti kita tiru masa exam lagi ye!!

keempat, yang ni dah macam abang aku sendiri da. tapi sayangnya, tak boleh tulis nama dia kat sini. controversy 1 malaya nanti. brother SAS.!!

kelima, alaaa ni yang susah sikit ni. kalau aku cakap aku sayang dia, nanti dia ingat aku ni tak paham bahasa punya orang. tapi nak buat camna, soal sayang ni datang dari hati. bukan suke hati je leh datang tiba2..ye dak? orang dah tak sudi, nak buat camna. hmm pasrah je la. saya sayang ex saya. geli la!!

2. Kenapa korang sayang dengan orang tue?

susah la nak cakap sebab2 kita sayang seseorang tu. aku sayang sebab mereka ni adalah/pernah/mungkin menjadi sebahagian dari hidup aku. takkan la nak sayang makcik2 yang ko jumpe tepi jalan pulak. sayang mereka kerana datangnya perasaan tu dari hati. biasa lah, aku ni hati basah, kalau sayang tak dapat nak sorok2. orang je yang susah nak sayang aku.

3.Berikan satu kata-kata sayang yang terbaik yang korang nak lafazkan kepada orang yang korang sayang, tapi masih tak mampu lagi untuk dilafazkan.

i love you!! haha saya perkataan yang boleh kita consider sebagai something yang common. tapi percayalah, untuk kelima2 kategori orang yang aku sayang seperti yang aku tulis panjang lebar kat soalan no 1 tu, belum pernah aku luahkan dengan seribu 1 makna. kalau ada pun, mungkin tak cukup nahu nya. yang sebenarnya ( mood yuna) aku sayang korang, tapi tak terkeluar pulak dari mulut. korang paham2 lah ye.

Then kena tag dkt 15 blogger laen..

Ikin si kuat makan
Ika si kaki novel
SAS
Safa
Wiwie
Bella zaman
Hazique Mirza
Fir hamzah
Pak9
dan lain2...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Future Is Not Written In The Sky...

I went to Kg Baru just now. I wish I could have some Nasi lemak there. but, just because of the environment made me feel uneasy and wanna vomit, i decided not to eat there. what? am i prego? hish.. totally wrong! okay, at first i thought i need some new things which could help me to have an appetite to eat something. when i reached to that annoying "place", (of course you know which place it is to eat Nasi Lemak in Kg. Baru), while i searching the table, i found that there are too much cockroaches which loiter around and people just do nothing for it. yes! they don't do anything even though the cockroaches are around them. hey peeps, do you really know from where it comes? for sure from the dirty places!! i hate cockroach damn much! really hate it!

and later, i decided to leave and looking for other stall. hmm just forget about that Nasi Lemak and the cockroach. since i have no idea which place should i go, i making my steps to be at Kg Baru LRT Station. still remember the place which i used to steal the happiness in there? ok it doesn't matter, i kept licking my Conneto which i bought from Mamak stall near to that station. then having a leisure moment with my Winston Light while remembering those sweet memories on the previous year.

after around 10 minutes, suddenly a man, not really man, boy i think, came to me and asked me for one buck! without having a question, i just gave him the money, and he thank me like he got a lottery! it is not a big deal for me for only one buck. just a small matter. and he kept smiling with a cute face. after minutes, he asked me for a cigarette. then i gave him one. without hesitate, i asked him questions

where are you staying at?

he answered me, near to this place.

why are you mingle around? don't you worry if your parents looking for you at this time?

no, i don't care at all (he answered me with a resent face)

are you having a problem?

yes i do, but nobody could understand me. why they put so much blames on me? I'm just looking for inner satisfaction. am not a child! i am matured enough! (he just throw some hints about his situation and i try to dive into his emotion)

then what is your problem all about?

okay, i fought with my parents just now, they kept arguing with me about my attitude, they told me that i never serious for any matter relating my future. i feel like I'm a black sheep in my family. i just wasting their money. do they know how about my feeling? why don't they give me space to live on my own feet?

i just listen and let him nauseating everything he has inside. then i asked him again, what do you understand of being matured?

he answered me politely, well, i am 18 already. even though i am jobless, i do not commit any illegal things. i never asked for their money. i don't put so much troubles to them. i only mind my own business. playing games, hanky panky with friends

have you ever experienced losing a person you love, to be specific, family members?

no, never! i still have my parent. i love them much!

how old your parents are?

dad 57 and my mum near to 60.

don't you think this is the high time for you to re-pay their efforts all this while?

he silent.

let say your mum and dad fated to see their God at this moment, and you are unable to make them happy, even for a second, how would you feel?

he silent again

do you love them both?

yes, i do

is this the way you make them happy? the way you show your love to your parents?


he silent again. i feel like wanna slap him once. haha

ok bro, just listen to me. if you love your parents, just respect them the way they are even you have an opposite mentation with them. just listen to what they say. they scold at you just because they love you. no one parents would let their son's life decayed like what happened to most of teenagers nowadays. their life are like nothing and spoiled just because of losing parent's bless.

then what should i do?

what your heart would say is actually what u should do.

both us silent for a minute and later he further the conversation...

actually, am the youngest in family. i have 2 brothers and one sister. both my brothers getting married already and my sister is a single mother. my age compare to them is quite far. i don't feel love from my family because when i got problems, i don't have any place to throw out or to share with. i feel like i'm alone. nobody would listen to me. they ignore me. i am so upset. really upset.

i answered him with a loving way. it simple like this, ignorance is bliss and never take granted on that. some parents found it difficult in showing their love to their children. they love but never revealed. the only way to know either they love you or not is through the way they treat you. as long as they still taking care about you, they love you enough. it is not too late for you to treat them in a good way and ask your parents to listen to your needs and wants. they would understand you better. have it ever crossed on your mind, Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got. The love of a family is life's greatest blessing and be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.


after about one hour, i decided to leave and i asked him to go back to his home as i leave. he listen to me and gave me a cute smile without a tight face like one hour before. he thank me and asked for my mobile number. i pray to God to ease his day and let him feel the true love of being human because i was in the same shoe like him and i really understand his feeling of being ignorance.

may God bless you then. Amen...






Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I Do Realize One Year Is Not Suffice to Heal The Broken Heart. It Takes Longer Than What I Thought...

1. How frequently do you think of your ex?

all the time, i can't get them out of my head



2. If you ran into him or her, how would it make you feel?*

My heart would race, but i would feel sad and uncomfortable



3. When there is exciting news, I…

Fight the temptation to call my ex



4. Imagine your perfect date. Who are you with?

I can't even Imagine dating right now



5. Were lies, deceit, or betrayal involved in your break-up?

Yes, she/he lied about multiple things in our relationship



6. Will you get back together with your ex?

NO, but i wish we would



7. Which of these best describes how you feel about your ex?

Mixed emotions


8. Are you still friends?

sometimes, rarely

9. If your ex wanted to get back together, you’d think…

I'm not sure...



10. Who broke off the relationship?

My ex...



11. What was the length of your relationship?

Less than 6 month



12. What was your relationship type?

Not sure or so-called complicated





13. What’s your greatest strength?

curiosity






14. Which best describes your wish right now?

My wish is to heal this PAIN and feel like myself again..




Your Results…


We’ve tabulated your survey answers. Read your evaluation in full with recommendations below. seems you fall into a category called “Emptiness”, a pretty high category of pain. I understand this is an extremely difficult time, but there is still hope for you to feel better – and soon. Below is your initial evaluation that I wanted to share with you.

1 – You are suffering from Emptiness. Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you, “Hey, what’s the point of any of this without him or her?” The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness.


2 – You are experiencing the Reminder Syndrome. You may not be able to get your ex, the break, up and the pain out of your mind for more than a few minutes at a time. There are subconscious triggers of your ex everywhere including songs, smells, objects, and much more.


3 – Negative thoughts - you can’t seem to shake them. Why did this happen (again)? I’m never going to meet anyone. The thought of dating again makes me want to vomit. Don’t worry, you are not alone and there is a simple and powerful method to combat these thoughts.


4 – Loss of a possible soulmate. It seems that you believe that you have lost the person that was the one for you. The one you had been waiting for, the person that made you whole, that made you who you are and wanted to be. I want to tell you that even in this situation, it is possible to heal, to have hope, and to live a vibrant life again.



You will understand why this happened and how this will lead to a better, brighter future.


You will learn the real fixes to the pain of the loneliness.


You will create a path to a new future that is better than the one I had originally imagined.


I know this sounds inconceivable. I found the path from lost love back to the fire of life once again.


Here is the truth: Love isn’t what hurts. It’s losing love that’s excruciating.

Inside, you are torn apart:


• You feel as if you will never meet anyone else
• You are scared to death that you will grow old alone
• You are too frightened to ever open up your heart to love anyone else
• You don’t see a point in going on with your life

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

One Year Already?

It has been a year i have been blogging. I don't know either this blog contributed directly to anyone in reaching any valuable information for their own knowledge or anythings they required to. It was a year i have been involving myself in creating and sharing the information i have in me. As i have mentioned in the early entry in this blog, this is actually the things zig-zagging in my mind. There is no such thing purposely to mock someone, or try to demolish a person dignity. This is only a blog of mine, such a diary which I throw out everything mingling in my life.

I still remember the date when I was created this blog. It was on the first December 2009. It was the day which I feel so mesmerize with the things happened on that time. Have you ever read my first entry in this blog? If you say so, I wish you a very thank you! If you don't, it's okay and have a leisure time to read it. Here is the first entry on this blog


It was posted after two weeks I have created this sentimental blog! Yeak... can you see how brighten my life on that time? But it doesn't longer as I wished. Its okay, I just leave it to God. Most of my colleagues who read this blog regularly keep saying about the things which gave me inspirations to be better. thank pal! thank follower! i was always wanted to be happy, but it did not comes as i prayed. i thought it was my fault, but only God have a knowledge over the things He fated me. its okay then.

First December 2009?

Damn, I still remember what day it was! haha, it was the day when someone asking for love. it is a shame when someone asked me to be a lover. you know what? am not a good lover at all. i never been in love in so far before i reach the age of 21 years old. what a lame! most of the time (previously), i always asking myself what is the right meaning of love? but i couldn't reach it as i never experienced it before. then, when it comes to December last year, i feels like my life glowing when i begun loving someone. i put so much love, passion, affection on that relationship. I'm willing to sacrifice even myself just to ensure that the love, the person i have would stay with me longer. it was the first time i have been in love. it so sweet! damn sweet.! you are not aware the things happened surrounding you and time just like too short for many things to happen. it just like a tick as such you close your eyes. i put so many values onto relationship. i love like crazy.

but,

it is not the same as last sweet December, things changed as people changed too. huh, it's damn pain and hurt. i hurts myself, i hate people when i got hurted. i almost neglected myself just because i was leave by the person i love damn much. i neglected myself to trust others. my spirit have gone, i don't really understand what a true love could give even we did lot of things to secure the relationship. i don't really understand why.? till presents, i love myself of being alone. yeah, i am Mr. Lonely. i decided and choosed to be alone. it is a wise decision for me at this moment. bytheway, i would like to thank to the person who gave me a "good" lesson about life by hurting other people just because your failure to sustain your relationship with others. its okay then, let's karma take its way, what goes up must come down.

it was 7 months of being all alone, and i am tired of being alone. there are too much things happened and i have gone through all these pains in me. all the tears, all the cries, gave me the right means of being tougher. thank to people who lent me their shoulder to cry on. i really appreciate it. up to now, i used not to cry, but when the time comes, the song play on the radio, television or anywhere, it suddenly bring me to the moment i used to be happy before. it was the song which i keep listening when i miss someone. and now, i am so traumatic with the song. i don't have a reason for this.


sedih! ya memang sedih dengan keadaan diri yang bersendiri setelah tujuh bulan bersendirian. mahu atau tidak, terpaksa teruskan walaupun kadang kala ia mengundang tangisan apabila gelisah rindu mendatang. hanya kerana kegagalan cinta pertama, saya jadikan ianya noktah sebagai cinta terakhir. bukan kerana untuk mencari cinta sempurna. cukuplah dengan hanya merasa diri dihargai. pelbagai usaha dilakukan untuk memujuk hati sendiri. kadangkala saya sungguh merasa lelah dengan usaha sendiri untuk meraih kasih sayang dari orang lain sehingga saya sendiri menjadi kabur pandangan untuk melihat yang lain yang mana mungkin mampu membahagiakan saya, akan tetapi saya tolak semua. ya, semuanya saya tolak bulat-bulat sehinggakan saya membuatkan orang lain merasa terluka. bukan niat untuk mempermainkan cinta dari orang lain.akan tetapi, saya bukanlah orang yang mudah untuk membuka pintu hati dan menerima cinta orang lain dengan mudahnya. maafkan saya kepada mereka yang merasa terluka mahupun kecewa dengan tingkah laku saya yang menafikan perasaan yang datang dari hati. THTM, MY, MAB, KR dan seorang lagi yang saya tidak berapa ingat akan namanya, MAAFKAN SAYA UNTUK TIDAK MENERIMA ANDA SEBAGAI SEORANG YANG BERNAMA KEKASIH. saya sememangnya tidak mudah untuk bercinta dan sudah tidak kenal lagi apa itu cinta.


tinggalkan harapan, satu-satunya sandaran? mungkin itu sahaja yang mampu saya katakan. saban hari saya mencuba untuk membuatkan diri saya merasa gembira, tapi saya sudah tidak mampu. yang tinggal hanyalah satu jalan penyelesaian dimana saya akan laksanakan apabila tiba masanya kelak. terfikir juga untuk lari dari keadaan yang seringkali menghantui hidup saya. apabila tiba masanya nanti, saya akan menutup blog ini untuk paparan umum, ianya tidak lama dari sekarang. saya akan menghentikan perkhidmatan talian nombor bimbit saya yang mana sudah sekian lama saya gunakan. membuka akaun baru untuk setiap laman sosial. saya akan cuba lari dari keadaan yang mana akan mengingatkan saya kepada si dia, bekas sang kekasih, cinta pertama yang mana saya anggap sebagai cinta terakhir. ya, cinta pertama adalah cinta terakhir! ia sukar dinafikan. tak siapa mampu lari dari bayangan cinta pertama mereka lagi-lagi ia adalah bayangan hitam yang mana membuatkan kita merasa lemah apabila ia mengundang rindu.


Some of us do not have the ability to display emotions as easily as others. But does that make the feelings any less real? Sometimes, the words we speak are not the words we want to say. Togetherness is far more than just a word. Sometimes, it's a hope, a dream, and maybe a way of life. Love is very much a living thing. And like all that lives, it must grow or die. Sometimes the only way to find love is to first lose it. i do believe, Just when we give it up on finding Love, we discover it didn't give up on us.

hey you, have a meaningful poem specially dedicate for you...


You left me for someone better
you said goodbye
You must be happy now with your new lover
Someone to share every tear and laughter.

I have felt hurt and bitter
The sense of betrayal can’t be any deeper
But when I look beyond the anger
There is still a love that I can feel all over.

I need to forget you quicker
Instead the yearning for you grows stronger
Every memory seems like a small reminder
That this love for you will haunt me forever.

life is all about love,

love is all about lives,

love was made to live the life together...


With love, Firdaus Ahmad @ Yau...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Yang Sebenarnya Sejarah itu Akan terus Menghantui Kita Kerana ia Telah Tertulis Untuk Menjadi Sebahagian Dari Kita...

28 November 2009
11.55 Pm
Room No. 1
Seat J16, J17
TGV KLCC
Movie: New Moon

i still remember today's happening when it was last year.
it was the begining of being possessed.

sedih!!




Saturday, November 27, 2010

This is The Reason Why It's Difficult to Change...

I was in the middle when i am facing the old folks who always keep talking about money and education. i was flustered to choose either keep on working with studies or looking for any vacancies. I do believe that education never dies and it such a tool to prevent poverty among us, especially among the rural and lower income in the masses. i am strongly agree that the only way which dropped the level of living among our people is because they are lacking of education! I'm not going to be prejudice or stereotype in here, but, this is the fact. for this modern life, the only way to lead yourself to the betterment is by having education.

can you imagine the condition that i was facing yesterday when i was talking to my neighbor (not really neighbor next to my home). he asked me some silly questions, why should i pursuing my studies since i already have my diploma. then i answered him politely and in a simple way. My knowledge is just like a drop of water in a vast sea. then he smile.

after minute, he asked me again. Do you believe by having education will guarantee you to have a good life and work? i answered him again in a professional way, some people say, a good life and work determine by God's fate, and it supported by your efforts. there are people who gained a good education but failed to obtain a good work just because they were lacking of interpersonal skills which differentiate them with others. it depends on how you lead yourself to public. the rest, let's God to decide then.

later, he make a cynical face on me and i wonder something weird. he told me, if his son given chances to pursue his studies in any higher institution, he will not allowed them to do so. huh, what a f*** mindset that he has.? i don't give you a shit! this is what we call an orthodox mindset for some people in this least developing country to become the first world nation! whatever it is, a dirty shoe comes from the dirty place...


Friday, November 26, 2010

Wanita, Lelaki dan ...

kalaulah kita ini dilahrikan sebagai seorang wanita atau nama lainnya homosapien yang berjantina perempuan, mungkin lebih sukar untuk kita memahami apa yang mereka lalui. biarpun dikatakan lelaki itu lebih hebat tanggungjawabnya dari wanita, akan tetapi, wanita itu lebih tampan dari segi hatinya, lebih segak dari tutur bicaranya, dan lebih kacak dari segi tingkah lakunya.

Mana tidaknya, bila kita berbicara soal kehidupan, ada kalanya wanita lebih cenderung untuk lebih memahami isi hati yang lain berbanding lelaki. jika ditanyakan setiap insan, siapakah yang pertama terlintas difikiran jika seseorang itu ditimpa musibah atak kecelakaan? maka ada yang menyatakan mereka terjurus untuk memilih si Ibu berbanding si bapa. kerana si ibu itu lebih bersifat penyayang walaupun si bapa berbuat yang sedemikian rupa.

dalam soal cinta pula, siapa yang lebih obses untuk saling menyayangi? lelaki atau wanita? walau ada juga kajian yang menyatakan bahawa wanita itu mempunyai kemungkinan yang agak besar untuk melakukan beberapa perkara diluar jangkaan apabila mereka merasa kegagalan sebuah percintaan seperti membunuh diri, itu sudah cukup membuktikan bahawa wanita itu lebih penyayang berbanding orang yang mereka sayang.



jauh sedikit dari soal percintaan, berbalik kepada isu perhubungan. ada yang mengatakan bahawa wanita itu sanggup menggadaikan tubuh bagi meraih kasih sayang dari insan yang mereka cintai, maka tidak hairanlah mengapa berleluasanya hubungan seks luar nikah. dan disini pula, ia sudah jelas menyatakan bahawa si wanita itu mempunyai sifat cinta yang mendalam berbanding lelaki.

Tetapi...


ada juga wanita yang tersembunyi dibalik nama seorang lelaki, dan mereka juga mempunyai sifat seorang yang penyayang, pecinta, dan juga obsesi dengan siapa mereka menyayang. bukan itu kehendak mereka, tapi ia hadir dengan sendirinya. ia adalah sebuah naluri yang azali. hanya mereka yang memahami...




Thursday, November 25, 2010

Adakah Anda Tahu Apa Itu HIV/AIDS?

Hari ni, terpaksa ambil cuti separuh hari gara-gara perlu menjalani rawatan susulan berkaitan dengan sakit tempoh hari. selepas sahaja makan tengahari, terus menaiki bas dan pergi ke Hospital Kuala Lumpur untuk menerima rawatan - pendarahan dalaman akibat jangkitan yang menyebabkan komplikasi pendengaran.


Akibat terlalu lama menunggu, terlintas difikiran untuk melakukan UJIAN DARAH BERKAITAN HIV. ujian tersebut hanya memakan masa tidak sampai setengah jam dimana kaunseling akan diberikan terlebih dahulu sebelum darah di ambil. selepas sahaja mendengar nasihat daripada pembantu perubatan, maka, ujian dilakukan ke peringkat seterusnya. dan beberapa ketika itu, keputusannya sangat menggembirakan hati. saya disahkan NEGATIVE atau nama lainnya BEBAS DARI SEBARANG PENYAKIT BAWAAN SEKS / STD ( SEKS TRANSMITTED DISEASE) mahupun HIV. syukur Alhamdulillah, Allah masih sayangkan aku.


Untuk mereka diluar sana yang mana pernah melakukan hubungan seks samaada anda adalah lelaki/wanita straight, gay, biseksual, pengkid, lesbian atau sebagainya, berwaspadalah...kerana ia mungkin hadir tanpa kita duga...



APAKAH HIV?

Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)

HIV adalah virus yang menyebabkan AIDS. HIV menyerang sistem daya tahan badan*, menyebabkan badan lemah dan tidak berupaya melawan jangkitan penyakit. Jika seseorang disahkan dijangkiti HIV, orang itu dipanggil positif-HIV (HIV+) tetapi tidak semestinya dia menghadapi AIDS.

* Sistem daya tahan badan adalah mekanisma badan yang terdiri daripada sel darah putih. Sel-sel ini menyerang dan membunuh kuman dan virus yang masuk ke dalam badan kita.

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS)

AIDS adalah nama yang diberi kepada sekumpulan penyakit yang menjangkiti orang yang HIV+. Ia berlaku apabila sistem daya tahan badan orang tersebut menjadi semakin lemah dan tidak berupaya melawan penyakit.

Bagaimanakah HIV boleh dijangkiti?

HIV hanya boleh dijangkiti melalui cara-cara berikut sahaja:

  1. melalui perhubungan seks tidak selamat (seks tidak selamat adalah seks tanpa menggunakan kondom lateks).
  2. melalui perkongsian jarum suntikan atau picagari.
  3. melalui ibu kepada bayinya semasa kehamilan, kelahiran atau penyusuan.

HIV hanya boleh berjangkit melalui darah, air mazi dan air mani termasuk darah haid. Darah atau cecair-cecair badan boleh memasuki salur darah orang lain melalui luka, kesan lecetan atau kudis. Mereka yang menjaga pesakit-pesakit AIDS dan yang memberi pertolongan cemas patut mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga dengan menggunakan sarung tangan getah semasa melakukan tugas.

Bagaimanakah HIV tidak boleh dijangkiti?

HIV tidak boleh berjangkit melalui air peluh, air kencing atau air mata. HIV tidak boleh berjangkit menerusi kulit yang sihat ataupun melalui udara seperti virus selesema. HIV tidak boleh hidup di luar badan manusia seperti di atas kulit atau pakaian, dalam air atau udara.

HIV tidak boleh dijangkiti melalui

  • Pendermaan darah
  • Berjabat tangan dan berpelukan
  • Berkongsi telefon, kolam renang dan tandas awam
  • Berkongsi makanan dan perkakas dapur
  • Berkongsi tempat tinggal, bekerja bersama, belajar bersama atau berkongsi tempat tidur
  • Bersin, batuk, air peluh atau air kencing
  • Gigitan serangga (termasuk gigitan nyamuk) atau binatang
  • Menjaga seseorang yang positif-HIV

Bagaimanakah caranya untuk mengetahui samada saya telah dijangkiti?

Satu-satunya cara untuk mengetahui samada anda telah dijangkiti adalah dengan menjalani Ujian Antibodi HIV

Apakah tanda-tanda atau simptom-simptom jangkitan HIV?

Permulaan jangkitan HIV biasanya tidak menunjukkan sebarang tanda. Ada jangkitan yang akan menunjukkan simptom yang menyerupai demam selesema tiga sehingga enam minggu selepas jangkitan. tetapi ini berlainan dari seseorang ke seseorang yang lain; orang itu mungkin sembuh dan berkeadaan sihat selama beberapa tahun sehinggalah sistem daya tahan badannya menjadi lemah dan orang tersebut jatuh sakit disebabkan jangkitan penyakit yang berulang-kali. Tanda awal yang serupa juga berlaku semasa jangkitan virus lain. Oleh kerana tanda-tanda ini hilang dengan mudahnya, ramai yang tidak mengendahkannya dan mengaggapnya sebagai penyakit biasa. Jadi, satu-satunya cara untuk mendapat kepastian adalah dengan menjalani Ujian Antibodi HIV terutamanya jika anda rasa anda telah melakukan aktiviti yang berisiko.

SEKS SELAMAT

Apakah seks selamat?

Seks selamat adalah hubungan seks di mana air mazi, air mani atau darah tidak masuk ke dalam badan orang lain.

  • Seks selamat adalah hubungan seks menggunakan kondom lateks dan pelincir berasaskan air seperti gel K-Y.
  • Seks selamat adalah perlakuan seks seperti bersentuhan atau melancap dimana kedua-dua pihak tidak mempunyai luka atau ruam pada tangan mereka.

Cara-cara ini dipanggil "seks selamat" kerana ianya meminimumkan risiko jangkitan, tetapi tidak menghapuskan jangkitan sama sekali. Aktiviti seksual akan sentiasa mempunyai risiko terutama jika salah seorang pasangan adalah positif-HIV. Seks selamat juga boleh mencegah jangkitan penyakit kelamin yang boleh meninggikan risiko jangkitan HIV. Penyakit-penyakit kelamin memudahkan HIV menjangkiti sel-sel badan.

MITOS & BENAR TENTANG SEKS DAN HIV

Yang Benar

  1. Penggunaan kondom dengan betul adalah yang terbaik dalam menghalang jangkitan HIV semasa hubungan seks kerana ia diperbuat dari lateks/getah.
  2. Kondom juga boleh melindungi mulut, faraj, dubur dan zakar dari air mazi, air mani dan darah yang mengandungi HIV serta penyakit-penyakit kelamin lain.
  3. Jangan biarkan alkohol/dadah atau pasangan yang menarik mengalih perhatian anda daripada amalan seks selamat.
  4. Seks selamat adalah salah satu cara untuk menghalang jangkitan HIV.
  5. Anda boleh dijangkiti HIV jika melakukan seks tidak selamat.
  6. Masih tiada penawar untuk HIV/AIDS tetapi terdapat ubat anti HIV dalam pasaran yang boleh memperlahankan kemaraan penyakit ini.
  7. Anda tidak boleh dijangkiti HIV dengan berpelukan, berjabat tangan, bersentuhan, melancap dan berciuman.
Sumber: Majlis AIDS Malaysia

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Moment to Remember (Part II)


1 2 3 I Miss You Drink


waiting for skyline movie


advanced Christmas

My Old College when i was in diploma.. its Malinja


Sungai Layar


sunset over the rainbow


the three brothers
::FFF::


Male only



1 happy family



waiting for the Chop


its IPhone!!


we got the same plate number!!




indulge!!


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Untuk Sang Pecinta, Mereka Yang Merasa Dicinta Mahupun Bersendiri...

Hanyut- Faizal Tahir


Harus bagaimana lagi
Dan terus begini
Dengarkan aku
Lihat ke mataku

Cukup sudah kau menghukum
Salahku tetap salahku
Benarkan ku berbicara
Agar bisa pulih semua

Namun harus sampai bila
Kau kan diam seribu bahasa


Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Saat mata terpejam
Hanya kau ku terbayang
Menghapus semua segala rasa di jiwaku

Saat mata terbuka
Kamulah yang pertama
Tak mampu aku
Bayangkan
Hidup tanpa dirimu


Aku memang bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Dan tapi dah ku sedari
Segala perit kau lalui
Ku terlupa kau terluka

Dan memang selalu
Aku bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Meninggalkan mu
Dan tetapi itulah aku sedari
Segala perit yang kau lalui
Kerna diriku yang terus hanyut

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila kau tak di sisi
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Monday, November 22, 2010

A Moment To Remember....

last week, me and bff went to kedah for a speacial gathering between us. it was on 18th november. there are too much things shining our journey...

actually, this is our 5th year celebration for our friendship

here are some of the pictures taken...




Renoma model wannabe...apai




Gunung Jerai...






sawah bendang...



with lovely brothers...
dari kiri...adik gangsa, adik perak, adik emas and big brother




having fun at sunway carnival penang.




the theme song for this journey

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Kadang Kala Kita sudah Tidak Mampu Untuk Merayu, Dan Akhirnya Kita TERPAKSA Untuk Memendam Rasa

Kasih maafkan aku
Tiada inginku melukaimu
Dan kini kau tinggalkan aku

Hanya dalam hatiku

Kuungkap semua penyesalanku
Kini kuingin disisimu


Bila kumasih di hatimu

Simpan cintaku
Kembalilah untukku

Kuingin selalu di sisimu

Maafkanlah aku, kasih
...








kalaulah kita mampu untuk memutar masa...
pasti semuanya indah walaupun ia seketika...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Jangan pernah Mengalah...





today, is the last day in melaka before turning back to my hometown. i should be in KL by yesterday but unable to do so as planned. it just because god fated me to be in kl just only for one day which is on hari Raya and then i'm heading to kedah on the next day after Raya.

yesterday, i was warded in melaka general hospital for half day. at first, i thought it was okay just only to have the medicine i took from UiTM clinic. but suddenly, early predawn, i realize whimsical things happened to my right ears. so, i decided to go to the hospital alone by riding my housemate's motorcycle. when i reached the hospital, they brought me to the emergency and trauma room. at that moment, I keep shouting when the MA did something to my ears. i don't know what kind of treatment they gave me. and later the doctor gave me twice injections and i became sleepy and did not know what actually happened at that time. the injection makes me drowsy. when i open my eyes, its morning already. i don't give any notification to anyone as i thought its only give a burden to them, including my family.

the first person i gave a call was my bestfriend, Firdaus Hamzah. i was crying when i talk to him. i don't have anyone who can really understands my condition at that moment. for current, I'm in the good condition and the pain reduced already. the doc prepared me a reference latter and i need to display it in KL general Hospital as my case had been transferred to the specialist in there. i am currently packaging my stuffs because am going back to Kl by tomorrow evening.

okay just forget about it. i would like to sum up about my journey on this semester. i think, this is the most terrible semester for me as i have gone through it badly.

firstly, i am so surprised during the faculty dinner. i didn't go to the dinner actually, but my friends aka my classmate told me i was nominated in one of the awards given by the faculty. it was, Anugerah Tokoh Ilmiah. it just a nominee, but the award given to my batch mate because her performance was higher than me..suck!

another thing is, this is the last semester for me to have a nice and really precious memories with my housemates. they were already finished their studies and will be going to start their internship program. i am so sad because by next semester i have to live with my junior which i think they are quite childish in term of their behavior, attitude and the way they respects the older. but, it doesn't matter for me because its only for one semester before i am going to complete my degree. yeah!

i was appointed as secretary for the Kempen Keselamatan Jalan Raya in RnR Ayer Keroh which was be held in the mid of the semester. this is the most terrible position since i have involving myself in curricular activities when i was in diploma. i hate it when i have to face with lot of human's behavior. controlling human behavior is difficult rather than controlling my money! hah... i'm done with that!

and for this semester, i got lot of presents from my friends for my birthday! hehe i really enjoy it. my birthday present was rock! i got Forrero roche, Jersey, Mug, wishes card, Watches, Perfume and the best thing is, my roomates was dancing in front of me spontaneously while dedicating the birthday song. thank everyone!

there are too many things which comes to my mind to throw it in here. but, i have no idea what i am going to talk about. later i'll update much more...





and this one im dedicating for someone who really special for me.
if u read this, you have to know something....

sayang kamu! for real!!

with love, Yau...



Monday, November 15, 2010

The Worst I Ever Had (Part II)

15/11/2010
2 :38AM
Melaka General Hospital

I'm warded and need to see the expert at 8am in the morning.
the doc gave me twice injections and makes me feels high.

i wish everything gonna be alright soon.

InsyaAllah...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Worst I Ever Had


i have gone through so many unbearable pains lately. it is not easy for me to face all those fucking things happened. i do believe God is testing me right now, but it is too hard even others might not be able to do so.

for current, i have to take the medicine about 20 tablets in a day. its ponstan and antibiotic. what kind of ill it is? it was an internal bleeding caused by the infection in my body. huh, and for now, i couldn't hear any sounds because my right ears was dysfunction. my eyes get blurred and i couldn't see things clearly.

i went to the general hospital yesterday and the MA advised me not to take the examination and gave me a leave about 5 days. i am so sad. i have no one to take care of me in here because my housemates already in their study leave. i was crying when i was in the examination hall today. i can answer all the questions perfectly but I couldn't bear the pain inside. i was crying over and over again until the invigilator asked me to leave the examination hall earlier as i have completed in answering the questions. i know i can perform better than what i have done just now. it just a matter of being patient.

thankfully, i have a very nice and inspires friends who encouraged me to be strong. thank everyone...

"A great person comes with a great responsibility"

"No pain, no gain!"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Don't Cry Baby..

We make them cry who care for us.

We cry for those who never care for us. And we care for those who will never cry for us.

This is the truth of life, it's strange but true.


Once you realise this, it's never too late to change.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A vampire caused by an examination. Let me lick your blood please...

i woke up late today! slept for almost 12 hours in a day caused me some headache and i figured out that there are pimples on my face! arggh..the same thing happened during the examination week. here, i'm counting the days before the last paper taking place. its on 14th november. 14? uhh its another two weeks. then i will finish my second last semester and become super duper senior.

today i got IMS. what's that? its Irritable Male Syndrome! it is the period when every man feel
hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity. yes, it is the same thing happen to every women out there and it call as PMS!

i didn't talk to anyone. just kept myself isolated and mind my own businesses. I'm studying and keep studying just like a nerd student who really enthusiast to gain the utmost result soon.

suddenly i realize one thing. today is the first day of this month! Oh my God! no wonder i got IMS! because its really hard for me to go through the day! you know what, its almost 11 month i became a person who really scared to see number "1". too much thing happened when it comes to the first day in every month in my life.

uhh. i should kill myself before i could see another number "1" in every month onwards. bluerk. i hate number 1. seriously!!



this is what happened to me when it comes to the final examination. just look at my eye-bags.
this is the result caused by study too hard and get a less sleep compared to usual time.


Friday, October 29, 2010

sesuatu yang sukar untuk ditempuh adalah memendam rindu

There is a subtle denger that leads people away from religion, prevents them from submitting to God as their Lord, and ultimately, brings numerous other forms of trouble and distress upon them. This danger is romanticism, which leads people to live, not according to their reason, but according to their desires, hatreds, their susceptibility to temptations and their whims. (Yahya , Harun (2002). Romanticism: A weapon of Satan

ada sebuah kata mutiara dari seorang pujangga ternama, 'kesedihan yang paling utama adalah ketika kita tidak mengungkapkan perasaan kita kepada orang yang kita cintai sampai kita mati.

mungkin hanya kerana perasaan yang terlalu mendalam membuatkan kita lupa pada hakikat yang kita tidak mampu untuk memiliki hati seseorang walau sesaat. mungkin kita boleh katakan bahawa suatu masa dahulu kita memiliki hatinya dengan sepenuh rasa cinta, begitu juga si dia. tapi apakan daya. kalau orang dah tolak kita dari sisi hidupnya, apa yang mampu kita lakukan hanyalah berundur dan terus melangkah pergi.

tidak ada apa2 penyesalan yang kita rasakan kerana segala keputusan kita yang lakukan adalah dari hati sendiri. memang perit apabila kita terpaksa meninggalkan mereka yang kita sayang. seperti yang ramai orang katakan, jika kita sayang atau cinta, kita lepaskan sajalah. kalu dia kembali, maka dia kita yang punya. tapi....

bagi saya, kalau dah lepas, lepas sahaja. x perlu di tarik kembali. kerana, yang kedua kalinya tidak akan sama seperti yang mula. buat apalah nak menaruh harapan kepada yang tidak pasti. bukankah kita masih punyai banyak pilihan? maka, jadikan pilihan itu yang terbaik. mungkin orang diluar sana hanya memilih yang terlalu sempurna sehinggakan terlepas yang kurang dari apa adanya.

kalaulah diberi pilhan, saya akan memilih yang tidak. maknanya? tidak untuk berkata pada yang nyata. ya lah, buat apa berpihak kepada yang bukan milik kita berbanding yang sudah ditetapkan oleh yang di atas sana.

pening? dengan kata mudahnya, hanya letakkan saja ia pada takdir. habes cerita.

ya, memang perit memendam rindu. saya juga merasakannya sehingga ke saat ini. sangat siksa. nak dinangiskan takda erti. pasrah aku terima. bahagia pasti akan menyusur hiba.


::entry ini untuk seseorang yang request melalui email. nama tak pasti siapakah dia::

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Entah




Entah...


masihkah ada cinta dihatiku untukmu...
ok abaikan, sekadar tengiang2 di fikiran tentang lagu si Afgan...
ini tiada kaitan tentang entry cinta. seperti lawak pula bila berkata tentang cinta kerana saya bukannya orang yang hebat tentang cinta.


hari ini, masih lagi terfikir mana perginya kebolehan dan kemampuan untuk membaca dan mengenal isi hati yang lain. kalau dahulunya, dengan mudah dapat ku zahirkan pemikiran pada orang lain.

entah...




tapi sedetik dua ni, ia hilang. kenapa? kerana mungkin sudah penat. penat dengan orang lain yang hanya mementingkan diri sendiri. tatkala kita mencuba untuk menjaga hati mereka, mereka tidak sedar yang mana mereka telah menyakiti hati kita pula.


entah...





saya sudah penat menjaga hati dan perasaan orang lain. yang kononnya mereka sangat memahami keadaan kita yang dalam kesempitan dan memerlukan. apa yang mereka tahu, kita sudah cukup gembira melalui air muka yang dipersembahkan, walhal dalam hati sungguh kecamuk.

entah...




apa yang berlaku beberapa minggu ini sangatlah menyiksakan kerana terpaksa berkorban untuk orang lain berbanding kepentingan diri sendiri. akan tetapi sayangnya mereka tidak nampak semua itu. apa yang mereka lihat adalah usaha yang kecil berbanding keringat yang dicurahkan. sungguh terkilan.

entah...





yang dahulunya ada seseorang yang sangat rapat dengan saya yang berkongsi segala duka tetapi bukan yang bahagia. dan saya pula menjadi pendengar yang baik kerana saya dicipta mungkin untuk itu. akan tetapi, sekarang? ya, bila sudah bahagia tak pula menampakkan dirinya mahupun khabar berita.

entahlah...




saya sungguh terkilan. bila ada apa sahaja khabar berita yang baik, saya disanjung, pabila yang buruk pula tiba, jarinya dituding kepada saya. yang mana pemberatnya hanya diletakkan pada saya


entah...





akan tetapi, saya merasa sangat gembira dengan kehadiran kawan yang sangat rapat dan berkongsi segala luar dan dalam sesuatu masalah. ini adalah tahun kelima kami menjadi sahabat yang sangat rapat. walau kami pernah melalui detik hitam yang hampir memisahkan, ia tidak mampu menjarakkan kami.






hari ini, saya terpaksa lagi membuat pilihan. yang sebenarnya saya ditawarkan latihan praktikal di tiga tempat iaitu menara berkembar petronas, UiTM Kedah dan UIA gombak. saya masih tidak mampu memberi apa2 jawapan kerana masing2 mempunyai kelebihan yang tersendiri. masih memikirkan tentang keputusan. putus...


entah





Sunday, October 17, 2010

officially 22

it was a week i didn't post any latest entry on this blog. i am so busy with lot of works. kinda tired.! feel like i wanna go to some leisure places to ease the feels inside. today, 17 of October is the day when i was born 22 years ago.

uh...its 22! gosh... im getting old! it takes lot of mistakes which gave me good lessons in life, gave me a good history to become more mature, and the most important thing is the love i have. love for a family, friends, colleagues, mates, lover(S), myself and much more. thanx people!

most of my fb'ian friends wishing me "selamat hari tua". arrgghh tua sangat ke aku?

the first wish i got was the wish from my sister and her husband! really appreciate it!

i am blessed because am surrounded with a very lovely family, good friends and people who really cares about me. thanx people!

the most rocks present for my birthday is the strength i have in me to become a better person, better lover (haha), and become the best of me!

thanx everyone!


Monday, October 4, 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ianya Tentang Tekanan


entah kenapa, hari2 yang berlalu semakin menekan perasaan. kadang kala penat dengan keadaan sekeliling yang membelenggu. mungkin peritnya tidak akan sama seperti mata yang melihat. bahu yang memikul ini sudah tidak larat dan semakin rebah.

biarpun air mata yang menjadi penyedap dihati, apakan daya, tak semuanya berlalu pergi.

yang utamanya, pelajaran semakin terganggu. ya, sedikit pun saya tidak tumpukan padanya. walau banyak manapun kerja, ianya diabaikan dengan tiada rasa tanggungjawab pada diri sendiri. saya sungguh tertekan kerana hanya beberapa minggu sahaja final exam akan berlansung.

my eldest sister, she's warded early in this morning due to the virus which infected her eyes. last week she got fever, after a few days, her eyes become blur and yet it become chronic. there is a virus in her blood. i don't know how to explain this thing.i do hope that she will get well soon.

my second sister getting married another next two weeks. this is the first time event for our family. i pity my mum as she has to do everything by her own. she called me last night and suddenly she's crying for the unexpected things happen just because of my fucking dad who reluctant to give his cooperation. i wish i could be by my mum's side as she need a shoulder to cry on but i was unable to do that because i have a lot of commitments here regarding my study. yes, its keeping me depressed!

then, is about the practical training. i have sent lot of applications to many companies around KL last month. and the result make me so frustrated. many of them reluctant to accept us just because of the period for the practical is only five weeks. they are looking for the candidate who gonna stay in their company for at least minimum ten weeks.

due to the hyper stress lately, there was an internal bleeding on my right ears. i went to the clinic to get the medicine and the doctor told me that i need an ample time to relieve the stress. i got one week leave but still, i have to attend classes as there are lots of thing need to cover up.

and the time i posting this entry, i wasn't sleep for two days. i don't have an appetite for my meals. my weight decreased rapidly as compared to the last two weeks. at the moment, my weight is only 56 Kg. it takes 4 kg burnt just like the pieces left.

i don't know why this time is so thorny for me to face it. I AM SO TIRED. I TIRED OF THINKING. so tired...

i need someone to cry on, to share the pain inside. i need shoulder because i couldn't bear it alone...

i really need a hug


Rebah...