Wednesday, December 29, 2010
yesterday i got a call from my best friend, a really close friend. he asked me, am i still in the same fettle? at first i answered him in a ruse way. i have to! no one could understands the feeling inside. but later he found that i am cheated over him and i became speechless for a moment. why should i pretending to myself like i am a guy who are free from any inner painful? if you were in my shoe, do you have to figure out everything just like you are attention seekers among others? do you have the answer? so do i? i don't know why it is hard for me to move on from that evil history of mine? why? why? and why?
hopeless heart. yes i am. keep waiting for uncertain things and nothing change at the end. i have prayed from day to day which i put so much hopes that God will assist me in seizing the day which i use to be happy. yes i know God is listening to me. i want back my self-confident so bad!
i am still finding the way on how i could be someone like years before, someone who are bold! motivated! and always inspires himself and people surrounding him! and i hope such of regret feeling do not keep haunting me till the end as i have neglected myself by loving incorrect people for incorrect way.
entahlah, kadang2 nak menangis pun macam tak ada gunanya. kalau nak dikirakan air mata yang gugur saban hari, dah berbaldi2 rasanya. tapi masih tiada apa2 yang merubah kehendak hati. kenapa lah hati berat sangat nak bergerak untuk sesuatu yang baru? tak cukup lagi ke apa yang ada selama ni? nak yang macam mana lagi? yang terlalu perfect? nak yang hebat belaka? cermin diri dulu boleh tak?
yang aku harapkan untuk tahun yang baru, aku mampu untuk bungkuskan segala kisah silam, segala yang berlaku 2010 samaada pahit atau manis, dan campakkan saja ke lombong. aku cuba berjanji dengan diri sendiri yang aku tak akan sesekali titiskan air mata pabila bermula tahun yang baru. aku harap dengan azam itu, aku menjadi semakin kuat. lepas ni kalau dok merindu ka, terkenang ka, buat2 tak tau je lah.
terlalu banyak yang berlaku dalam 2010, yes! so much ups and down. bagaikan sekelip mata semuanya berlaku. macam dalam mimpi! bila aku baca balik setiap entry dalam blog ni, banyaknya yang pahit dari yang manis. kenapa ya? kerana diri sendiri tak pandai nak menghargai setiap masa yang ada. mensia2kan masa menangisi setiap perbuatan yang sedikit kejam dari orang yang aku sayang. kalau dikira balik selama 22 tahun hidup dimuka bumi tuhan ni, aku cuma terkilan dengan apa yang telah berlaku pada tahun ini. cukup terkilan. sampaikan aku jatuh, jatuh dan terus jatuh sampaikan terpaksa meneruskan perjalanan dengan hanya terpkasa dipapah. dan aku bangun semula. perit. memang perit. dalam bercinta ni, orang yang ditinggalkan lebih perit berbeda dari yang meninggalkan. aku dah lalui semua tu. cuma masanya belum tiba untuk sembuh seperti sediakala. hati yang tercalar dan terguris ni masih merah menyala. hampir lapan bulan semuanya berlalu. aku masih begitu...
sampai ke hari ni, masih lagi terbawa2 sampai ke dalam mimpi dengan setiap apa yang berlaku. bila rasa rindu mula menjelma, yang aku lakukan hanyalah duduk diam bersahaja ataupun hanya dengan kurungkan diri dalam bilik supaya tak ada siapa yang tahu apa yang aku rasa. i feel like i am still in the same fashion, but i really hope one day i could find the new match and its brighten my day. i really hope it will happen very soon.
sepi, kosong. tu je la yang aku rasa selama ni, walaupun ramai yang cuba mendekati dan memberikan aku rasa seperti yang dulu. tapi seakan aku dah tak mampu untuk terima. yang aku harapkan hanyalah tuhan kembalikan semangat pada diri ini, yang dah semakin lemah dan tak berdaya untuk mempercayai sesiapa mahupun diri sendiri. saban hari, aku merasa semakin kuat sedikit demi sedikit, cuma bila terkenang buat aku menjadi sedikit lemah.
setapak demi setapak aku cuba mengorak langkah walaupun masih dalam keadaan yang tidak berdaya, namun aku gagahi juga. cuma aku harapkan angin itu kembali meniupkan semangat supaya aku tidak lagi gugur pabila hujan mula turun...
ku bawa harapan, ku pendam rahsia...
Monday, December 13, 2010
Life is just a waste
Life is meaningless
Days are only count
Breath is only brief
Walk is only about steps
Eyes could only see and watch
History is only about memory
and love is just about heart
Life is just a waste for those who reluctant either to change or to move on
Life is meaningless for those who are lonely
Days are only count for those who never appreciate every single moments
Breath is only brief for those who are hopeless
Walk is only about steps for those who runs but never face
Eyes could only see and watch when you are in dark but with a shining hunch
History is only about memory and it just either tears or smile
and love is just about heart and to be hurt...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
tak pernah pulak jawab soalan yang di tagged pada aku.
since dah takda idea nak post apa arini, aku jawab soalan yang Fendi tag kat blog dia
1. Siapakah orang yang paling anda sayang ?
haish trauma la kalau bercakap soal "sayang ni. tapi takpa, aku cuba keluar dari kotak dan luaskan pemikiran. haa kalau nak bercakap orang yang aku sayang. panjang lebar la jawabnya. tapi tak mengapa, aku pendekkan.
yang pertamanya, sah2 keluarga. sapa tak sayang keluarga?kalau ada yang tak sayang keluarga sendiri, meh aku lempang laju2. tak pun ikat leher ko then tarik sepanjang lebuhraya utara selatan.
kedua, orang yang rapat dalam hidup aku, dah banyak kali dok cerita pasal dorang kat blog ni. apai si ayam katik dan daus aka muki si ammah india. korang terbaik la! 5 tahun dah kita kawan. dari soal family sampaila cerita dalam kain, sume kita kongsi. oh tak lupa jugak si ayam tua, mahadir aka Along. haha sayang korang!!
ketiga, 8 budak hitam! bukan sebab kulit mereka yang hitam, alkisahnya macam cerita 10 budak hitam, ala yang budak2 kecik selalu nyanyi masa zaman sekolah rendah dulu2..ko tak tau lagu tu? pegi masok tadika balik! aiman si kacak, syikin yg kuat makan, tini bersuara emas, ika si kaki novel, cikrose yang kuat berangan, wani yang ala2 lady gaga tak jadi, bella si rambut palsu....sayang korang! nanti kita tiru masa exam lagi ye!!
keempat, yang ni dah macam abang aku sendiri da. tapi sayangnya, tak boleh tulis nama dia kat sini. controversy 1 malaya nanti. brother SAS.!!
kelima, alaaa ni yang susah sikit ni. kalau aku cakap aku sayang dia, nanti dia ingat aku ni tak paham bahasa punya orang. tapi nak buat camna, soal sayang ni datang dari hati. bukan suke hati je leh datang tiba2..ye dak? orang dah tak sudi, nak buat camna. hmm pasrah je la. saya sayang ex saya. geli la!!
susah la nak cakap sebab2 kita sayang seseorang tu. aku sayang sebab mereka ni adalah/pernah/mungkin menjadi sebahagian dari hidup aku. takkan la nak sayang makcik2 yang ko jumpe tepi jalan pulak. sayang mereka kerana datangnya perasaan tu dari hati. biasa lah, aku ni hati basah, kalau sayang tak dapat nak sorok2. orang je yang susah nak sayang aku.
3.Berikan satu kata-kata sayang yang terbaik yang korang nak lafazkan kepada orang yang korang sayang, tapi masih tak mampu lagi untuk dilafazkan.
i love you!! haha saya perkataan yang boleh kita consider sebagai something yang common. tapi percayalah, untuk kelima2 kategori orang yang aku sayang seperti yang aku tulis panjang lebar kat soalan no 1 tu, belum pernah aku luahkan dengan seribu 1 makna. kalau ada pun, mungkin tak cukup nahu nya. yang sebenarnya ( mood yuna) aku sayang korang, tapi tak terkeluar pulak dari mulut. korang paham2 lah ye.
Ikin si kuat makan
Ika si kaki novel
Saturday, December 11, 2010
and later, i decided to leave and looking for other stall. hmm just forget about that Nasi Lemak and the cockroach. since i have no idea which place should i go, i making my steps to be at Kg Baru LRT Station. still remember the place which i used to steal the happiness in there? ok it doesn't matter, i kept licking my Conneto which i bought from Mamak stall near to that station. then having a leisure moment with my Winston Light while remembering those sweet memories on the previous year.
after around 10 minutes, suddenly a man, not really man, boy i think, came to me and asked me for one buck! without having a question, i just gave him the money, and he thank me like he got a lottery! it is not a big deal for me for only one buck. just a small matter. and he kept smiling with a cute face. after minutes, he asked me for a cigarette. then i gave him one. without hesitate, i asked him questions
where are you staying at?
he answered me, near to this place.
why are you mingle around? don't you worry if your parents looking for you at this time?
no, i don't care at all (he answered me with a resent face)
are you having a problem?
yes i do, but nobody could understand me. why they put so much blames on me? I'm just looking for inner satisfaction. am not a child! i am matured enough! (he just throw some hints about his situation and i try to dive into his emotion)
then what is your problem all about?
okay, i fought with my parents just now, they kept arguing with me about my attitude, they told me that i never serious for any matter relating my future. i feel like I'm a black sheep in my family. i just wasting their money. do they know how about my feeling? why don't they give me space to live on my own feet?
i just listen and let him nauseating everything he has inside. then i asked him again, what do you understand of being matured?
he answered me politely, well, i am 18 already. even though i am jobless, i do not commit any illegal things. i never asked for their money. i don't put so much troubles to them. i only mind my own business. playing games, hanky panky with friends
have you ever experienced losing a person you love, to be specific, family members?
no, never! i still have my parent. i love them much!
how old your parents are?
dad 57 and my mum near to 60.
don't you think this is the high time for you to re-pay their efforts all this while?
let say your mum and dad fated to see their God at this moment, and you are unable to make them happy, even for a second, how would you feel?
he silent again
do you love them both?
yes, i do
is this the way you make them happy? the way you show your love to your parents?
he silent again. i feel like wanna slap him once. haha
ok bro, just listen to me. if you love your parents, just respect them the way they are even you have an opposite mentation with them. just listen to what they say. they scold at you just because they love you. no one parents would let their son's life decayed like what happened to most of teenagers nowadays. their life are like nothing and spoiled just because of losing parent's bless.
then what should i do?
what your heart would say is actually what u should do.
both us silent for a minute and later he further the conversation...
actually, am the youngest in family. i have 2 brothers and one sister. both my brothers getting married already and my sister is a single mother. my age compare to them is quite far. i don't feel love from my family because when i got problems, i don't have any place to throw out or to share with. i feel like i'm alone. nobody would listen to me. they ignore me. i am so upset. really upset.
i answered him with a loving way. it simple like this, ignorance is bliss and never take granted on that. some parents found it difficult in showing their love to their children. they love but never revealed. the only way to know either they love you or not is through the way they treat you. as long as they still taking care about you, they love you enough. it is not too late for you to treat them in a good way and ask your parents to listen to your needs and wants. they would understand you better. have it ever crossed on your mind, Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got. The love of a family is life's greatest blessing and be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.
after about one hour, i decided to leave and i asked him to go back to his home as i leave. he listen to me and gave me a cute smile without a tight face like one hour before. he thank me and asked for my mobile number. i pray to God to ease his day and let him feel the true love of being human because i was in the same shoe like him and i really understand his feeling of being ignorance.
may God bless you then. Amen...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I Do Realize One Year Is Not Suffice to Heal The Broken Heart. It Takes Longer Than What I Thought...
all the time, i can't get them out of my head
2. If you ran into him or her, how would it make you feel?*
My heart would race, but i would feel sad and uncomfortable
3. When there is exciting news, I…
Fight the temptation to call my ex
4. Imagine your perfect date. Who are you with?
I can't even Imagine dating right now
5. Were lies, deceit, or betrayal involved in your break-up?
Yes, she/he lied about multiple things in our relationship
6. Will you get back together with your ex?
NO, but i wish we would
7. Which of these best describes how you feel about your ex?
8. Are you still friends?
9. If your ex wanted to get back together, you’d think…
I'm not sure...
10. Who broke off the relationship?
11. What was the length of your relationship?
Less than 6 month
12. What was your relationship type?
Not sure or so-called complicated
13. What’s your greatest strength?
14. Which best describes your wish right now?
My wish is to heal this PAIN and feel like myself again..
1 – You are suffering from Emptiness. Your mind, body, and heart are basically saying to you, “Hey, what’s the point of any of this without him or her?” The reason it is so painful is that more than loneliness, you are feeling emptiness.
2 – You are experiencing the Reminder Syndrome. You may not be able to get your ex, the break, up and the pain out of your mind for more than a few minutes at a time. There are subconscious triggers of your ex everywhere including songs, smells, objects, and much more.
3 – Negative thoughts - you can’t seem to shake them. Why did this happen (again)? I’m never going to meet anyone. The thought of dating again makes me want to vomit. Don’t worry, you are not alone and there is a simple and powerful method to combat these thoughts.
4 – Loss of a possible soulmate. It seems that you believe that you have lost the person that was the one for you. The one you had been waiting for, the person that made you whole, that made you who you are and wanted to be. I want to tell you that even in this situation, it is possible to heal, to have hope, and to live a vibrant life again.
You will understand why this happened and how this will lead to a better, brighter future.
You will learn the real fixes to the pain of the loneliness.
You will create a path to a new future that is better than the one I had originally imagined.
I know this sounds inconceivable. I found the path from lost love back to the fire of life once again.
Here is the truth: Love isn’t what hurts. It’s losing love that’s excruciating.
Inside, you are torn apart:
• You feel as if you will never meet anyone else
• You are scared to death that you will grow old alone
• You are too frightened to ever open up your heart to love anyone else
• You don’t see a point in going on with your life
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I still remember the date when I was created this blog. It was on the first December 2009. It was the day which I feel so mesmerize with the things happened on that time. Have you ever read my first entry in this blog? If you say so, I wish you a very thank you! If you don't, it's okay and have a leisure time to read it. Here is the first entry on this blog
It was posted after two weeks I have created this sentimental blog! Yeak... can you see how brighten my life on that time? But it doesn't longer as I wished. Its okay, I just leave it to God. Most of my colleagues who read this blog regularly keep saying about the things which gave me inspirations to be better. thank pal! thank follower! i was always wanted to be happy, but it did not comes as i prayed. i thought it was my fault, but only God have a knowledge over the things He fated me. its okay then.
First December 2009?
it is not the same as last sweet December, things changed as people changed too. huh, it's damn pain and hurt. i hurts myself, i hate people when i got hurted. i almost neglected myself just because i was leave by the person i love damn much. i neglected myself to trust others. my spirit have gone, i don't really understand what a true love could give even we did lot of things to secure the relationship. i don't really understand why.? till presents, i love myself of being alone. yeah, i am Mr. Lonely. i decided and choosed to be alone. it is a wise decision for me at this moment. bytheway, i would like to thank to the person who gave me a "good" lesson about life by hurting other people just because your failure to sustain your relationship with others. its okay then, let's karma take its way, what goes up must come down.
it was 7 months of being all alone, and i am tired of being alone. there are too much things happened and i have gone through all these pains in me. all the tears, all the cries, gave me the right means of being tougher. thank to people who lent me their shoulder to cry on. i really appreciate it. up to now, i used not to cry, but when the time comes, the song play on the radio, television or anywhere, it suddenly bring me to the moment i used to be happy before. it was the song which i keep listening when i miss someone. and now, i am so traumatic with the song. i don't have a reason for this.
sedih! ya memang sedih dengan keadaan diri yang bersendiri setelah tujuh bulan bersendirian. mahu atau tidak, terpaksa teruskan walaupun kadang kala ia mengundang tangisan apabila gelisah rindu mendatang. hanya kerana kegagalan cinta pertama, saya jadikan ianya noktah sebagai cinta terakhir. bukan kerana untuk mencari cinta sempurna. cukuplah dengan hanya merasa diri dihargai. pelbagai usaha dilakukan untuk memujuk hati sendiri. kadangkala saya sungguh merasa lelah dengan usaha sendiri untuk meraih kasih sayang dari orang lain sehingga saya sendiri menjadi kabur pandangan untuk melihat yang lain yang mana mungkin mampu membahagiakan saya, akan tetapi saya tolak semua. ya, semuanya saya tolak bulat-bulat sehinggakan saya membuatkan orang lain merasa terluka. bukan niat untuk mempermainkan cinta dari orang lain.akan tetapi, saya bukanlah orang yang mudah untuk membuka pintu hati dan menerima cinta orang lain dengan mudahnya. maafkan saya kepada mereka yang merasa terluka mahupun kecewa dengan tingkah laku saya yang menafikan perasaan yang datang dari hati. THTM, MY, MAB, KR dan seorang lagi yang saya tidak berapa ingat akan namanya, MAAFKAN SAYA UNTUK TIDAK MENERIMA ANDA SEBAGAI SEORANG YANG BERNAMA KEKASIH. saya sememangnya tidak mudah untuk bercinta dan sudah tidak kenal lagi apa itu cinta.
tinggalkan harapan, satu-satunya sandaran? mungkin itu sahaja yang mampu saya katakan. saban hari saya mencuba untuk membuatkan diri saya merasa gembira, tapi saya sudah tidak mampu. yang tinggal hanyalah satu jalan penyelesaian dimana saya akan laksanakan apabila tiba masanya kelak. terfikir juga untuk lari dari keadaan yang seringkali menghantui hidup saya. apabila tiba masanya nanti, saya akan menutup blog ini untuk paparan umum, ianya tidak lama dari sekarang. saya akan menghentikan perkhidmatan talian nombor bimbit saya yang mana sudah sekian lama saya gunakan. membuka akaun baru untuk setiap laman sosial. saya akan cuba lari dari keadaan yang mana akan mengingatkan saya kepada si dia, bekas sang kekasih, cinta pertama yang mana saya anggap sebagai cinta terakhir. ya, cinta pertama adalah cinta terakhir! ia sukar dinafikan. tak siapa mampu lari dari bayangan cinta pertama mereka lagi-lagi ia adalah bayangan hitam yang mana membuatkan kita merasa lemah apabila ia mengundang rindu.
Some of us do not have the ability to display emotions as easily as others. But does that make the feelings any less real? Sometimes, the words we speak are not the words we want to say. Togetherness is far more than just a word. Sometimes, it's a hope, a dream, and maybe a way of life. Love is very much a living thing. And like all that lives, it must grow or die. Sometimes the only way to find love is to first lose it. i do believe, Just when we give it up on finding Love, we discover it didn't give up on us.
hey you, have a meaningful poem specially dedicate for you...
You left me for someone better
you said goodbye
You must be happy now with your new lover
Someone to share every tear and laughter.
I have felt hurt and bitter
The sense of betrayal can’t be any deeper
But when I look beyond the anger
There is still a love that I can feel all over.
I need to forget you quicker
Instead the yearning for you grows stronger
Every memory seems like a small reminder
That this love for you will haunt me forever.
life is all about love,
love is all about lives,
love was made to live the life together...