Wednesday, December 1, 2010

One Year Already?

It has been a year i have been blogging. I don't know either this blog contributed directly to anyone in reaching any valuable information for their own knowledge or anythings they required to. It was a year i have been involving myself in creating and sharing the information i have in me. As i have mentioned in the early entry in this blog, this is actually the things zig-zagging in my mind. There is no such thing purposely to mock someone, or try to demolish a person dignity. This is only a blog of mine, such a diary which I throw out everything mingling in my life.

I still remember the date when I was created this blog. It was on the first December 2009. It was the day which I feel so mesmerize with the things happened on that time. Have you ever read my first entry in this blog? If you say so, I wish you a very thank you! If you don't, it's okay and have a leisure time to read it. Here is the first entry on this blog

It was posted after two weeks I have created this sentimental blog! Yeak... can you see how brighten my life on that time? But it doesn't longer as I wished. Its okay, I just leave it to God. Most of my colleagues who read this blog regularly keep saying about the things which gave me inspirations to be better. thank pal! thank follower! i was always wanted to be happy, but it did not comes as i prayed. i thought it was my fault, but only God have a knowledge over the things He fated me. its okay then.

First December 2009?

Damn, I still remember what day it was! haha, it was the day when someone asking for love. it is a shame when someone asked me to be a lover. you know what? am not a good lover at all. i never been in love in so far before i reach the age of 21 years old. what a lame! most of the time (previously), i always asking myself what is the right meaning of love? but i couldn't reach it as i never experienced it before. then, when it comes to December last year, i feels like my life glowing when i begun loving someone. i put so much love, passion, affection on that relationship. I'm willing to sacrifice even myself just to ensure that the love, the person i have would stay with me longer. it was the first time i have been in love. it so sweet! damn sweet.! you are not aware the things happened surrounding you and time just like too short for many things to happen. it just like a tick as such you close your eyes. i put so many values onto relationship. i love like crazy.


it is not the same as last sweet December, things changed as people changed too. huh, it's damn pain and hurt. i hurts myself, i hate people when i got hurted. i almost neglected myself just because i was leave by the person i love damn much. i neglected myself to trust others. my spirit have gone, i don't really understand what a true love could give even we did lot of things to secure the relationship. i don't really understand why.? till presents, i love myself of being alone. yeah, i am Mr. Lonely. i decided and choosed to be alone. it is a wise decision for me at this moment. bytheway, i would like to thank to the person who gave me a "good" lesson about life by hurting other people just because your failure to sustain your relationship with others. its okay then, let's karma take its way, what goes up must come down.

it was 7 months of being all alone, and i am tired of being alone. there are too much things happened and i have gone through all these pains in me. all the tears, all the cries, gave me the right means of being tougher. thank to people who lent me their shoulder to cry on. i really appreciate it. up to now, i used not to cry, but when the time comes, the song play on the radio, television or anywhere, it suddenly bring me to the moment i used to be happy before. it was the song which i keep listening when i miss someone. and now, i am so traumatic with the song. i don't have a reason for this.

sedih! ya memang sedih dengan keadaan diri yang bersendiri setelah tujuh bulan bersendirian. mahu atau tidak, terpaksa teruskan walaupun kadang kala ia mengundang tangisan apabila gelisah rindu mendatang. hanya kerana kegagalan cinta pertama, saya jadikan ianya noktah sebagai cinta terakhir. bukan kerana untuk mencari cinta sempurna. cukuplah dengan hanya merasa diri dihargai. pelbagai usaha dilakukan untuk memujuk hati sendiri. kadangkala saya sungguh merasa lelah dengan usaha sendiri untuk meraih kasih sayang dari orang lain sehingga saya sendiri menjadi kabur pandangan untuk melihat yang lain yang mana mungkin mampu membahagiakan saya, akan tetapi saya tolak semua. ya, semuanya saya tolak bulat-bulat sehinggakan saya membuatkan orang lain merasa terluka. bukan niat untuk mempermainkan cinta dari orang lain.akan tetapi, saya bukanlah orang yang mudah untuk membuka pintu hati dan menerima cinta orang lain dengan mudahnya. maafkan saya kepada mereka yang merasa terluka mahupun kecewa dengan tingkah laku saya yang menafikan perasaan yang datang dari hati. THTM, MY, MAB, KR dan seorang lagi yang saya tidak berapa ingat akan namanya, MAAFKAN SAYA UNTUK TIDAK MENERIMA ANDA SEBAGAI SEORANG YANG BERNAMA KEKASIH. saya sememangnya tidak mudah untuk bercinta dan sudah tidak kenal lagi apa itu cinta.

tinggalkan harapan, satu-satunya sandaran? mungkin itu sahaja yang mampu saya katakan. saban hari saya mencuba untuk membuatkan diri saya merasa gembira, tapi saya sudah tidak mampu. yang tinggal hanyalah satu jalan penyelesaian dimana saya akan laksanakan apabila tiba masanya kelak. terfikir juga untuk lari dari keadaan yang seringkali menghantui hidup saya. apabila tiba masanya nanti, saya akan menutup blog ini untuk paparan umum, ianya tidak lama dari sekarang. saya akan menghentikan perkhidmatan talian nombor bimbit saya yang mana sudah sekian lama saya gunakan. membuka akaun baru untuk setiap laman sosial. saya akan cuba lari dari keadaan yang mana akan mengingatkan saya kepada si dia, bekas sang kekasih, cinta pertama yang mana saya anggap sebagai cinta terakhir. ya, cinta pertama adalah cinta terakhir! ia sukar dinafikan. tak siapa mampu lari dari bayangan cinta pertama mereka lagi-lagi ia adalah bayangan hitam yang mana membuatkan kita merasa lemah apabila ia mengundang rindu.

Some of us do not have the ability to display emotions as easily as others. But does that make the feelings any less real? Sometimes, the words we speak are not the words we want to say. Togetherness is far more than just a word. Sometimes, it's a hope, a dream, and maybe a way of life. Love is very much a living thing. And like all that lives, it must grow or die. Sometimes the only way to find love is to first lose it. i do believe, Just when we give it up on finding Love, we discover it didn't give up on us.

hey you, have a meaningful poem specially dedicate for you...

You left me for someone better
you said goodbye
You must be happy now with your new lover
Someone to share every tear and laughter.

I have felt hurt and bitter
The sense of betrayal can’t be any deeper
But when I look beyond the anger
There is still a love that I can feel all over.

I need to forget you quicker
Instead the yearning for you grows stronger
Every memory seems like a small reminder
That this love for you will haunt me forever.

life is all about love,

love is all about lives,

love was made to live the life together...

With love, Firdaus Ahmad @ Yau...

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