I AM STRONG ENOUGH

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T CRY AT ALL

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My day...

I don't know where my spirit has gone. I found myself in the dark side, things happened brought me to the endless thought. being benevolent to others sometimes bring us to the undesirable outcome. for every time, seeking the happiness and good ends, but it never be.

I am almost 22 years old. I never found the right meaning of happiness in world of mine. I still remember those previous years, when i was sitting next to my late grandma. she's died on December 2006. actually she's not my biological grandma, but she's only adopted mum and i called her as "mak", she told me something that still reminds me about this life, "if you got hurt, pain, and sadness, you have to remember that i will still with you even till one day you are no longer see me in front of your eyes". suddenly I'm crying... because when i miss her, i w ill hug her, kiss her.
yeah, I am so sad right now.

I live on hope. till this right moment, i still looking for happiness, but it doesn't come yet. I'm dying! yes, I'm dying... mum, i really miss you, i miss your kiss and hug. only you know the depth of my heart. you always be with me when i was sad, but now, i have no one to share my pain, sadness and happiness. God, do bless her.!

today is my mother's birthday. now she's 59 years old. i got another 1 year to finish my study. i hope that God give me chances to take care of her or at least i can "repay" her for every efforts to give me a good life. I try to reach her, i called her for every times, but i couldn't reach till i wrote this entry. we got fight yesterday. i don't mean to hurt her, but she just can't understand my situation of being alone here. I am so stress, i asked her what if i take a leave for maybe one week because i need rest. then she answered me harshly, i shouldn't do it.!
I am not in good condition right now, my emotion is still fluctuating. i am under pressure right now. i couldn't think wisely. anyway, ma happy birthday. sorry for hurting you...

when i miss someone, my body will shake spontaneously. i don't know why. i still remember when my late grandma gone. I was like a crazy people who crying almost for a month. and now, it happened again. but nobody couldn't see it.

i have to admit that, at this exact moment, i miss someone. my body is shaking right now. i really need to see you. then it should be ok. i really need to see you! i miss being with you, miss being close to you. sorry if i was being a pusher seeking for your attention and loves.
I miss the old us...

5 comments:

Shadowthorne said...

... loneliness can cause a lot of hurt. An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

Do something to amuse yourself. And stop moping!

beLLa.boOlat. said...

beb.be strong okie.aku de.anytime ko perlukan kawan ko leyh msg aku.t aku jumpe ko.jgn sedey2 k.smile like b4.missed the old u.

Ahmad Firdaus @ Yau said...

hehe saya sentiasa tersenyum la bella...

saya masih seperti dulu..anyway, tq so much....

:-)

beLLa.boOlat. said...

mmg la.tp mase tuh da abes cuak tgk hang tau dak.adoi.tanak shaky giler plak.cam saket je.

Ahmad Firdaus @ Yau said...

mane ade saket la..adoi..mase tuh sejuk bebenor...x tahan, saya kan kurus, xde isi, just ada tulang jek. sebab tu shaking tuh...huhu